So you’re halfway through writing your first draft of the great American novel, and you’re sweating over what to do next. Well, worry no more. I’m about to cut to the chase and make the whole process easy-peasy for you. Here are the five steps I took to become a real-life author. WITH TONGUE FIRMLY EMBEDDED IN CHEEK, I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE! AND THEN, DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAY.
1. Don’t waste precious time learning the craft of writing.
There’s an overwhelming number of books and articles devoted to this topic, but you could spend so much time learning, you won’t find time for any real writing. My recommendation: Toss ‘em all in the recycle bin, starting with those stupid “how-to” pieces. Except this one, of course. Trust your own instincts and read my simple advice. That’s all you need to succeed.
2. Don’t be afraid to go it alone.
Writing classes, workshops, and retreats are an even bigger time-suck than tutorial articles and books. Not to mention the astronomical fees! And don’t even think about joining a critique group. Why show your manuscript to a bunch of amateurs who will quickly recognize your superior gift and try to sabotage your success with misguided comments and demoralizing edits? Writing is a solitary occupation—keep it that way and enjoy the solitude.
3.Wait until you’ve retired from your day job.
The longer you wait to launch your writing career, the better. Sixty-five is good—seventy or seventy-five is even better! But why stop there? Better to hold off on writing until you have no other distractions in your life. If you wait till you’re living in a senior home, you can take advantage of the downtime and the quiet environment after 7:00 pm and be super-productive.
4.Don’t get too hung up on revisions.
“Writing is revising?” What genius came up with the idea that a manuscript is improved by reworking it, over and over, until it is drained of all freshness and spontaneity? Come to think of it, just about every writer I know subscribes to that bromide. But don’t you pay them any mind. Again, much better to trust your own instincts and go with your original idea. Another consideration: If you have followed my advice in #3, you’re on Medicare at this point and don’t have the time or energy to spend five years revising a book that only took five months to draft.
5.When the whole writing thing starts to seem too difficult—give up.
Even if you manage to complete your book, the work has only just begun. Then you have to decide whether to self-publish, look for an agent, or query small publishers with your project. While reaching this momentous decision, you also have to be building your Author Platform, which involves attracting millions of followers on social media and inundating them with messages about your book that isn’t yet published. And then, if and when the book actually launches, there are the interviews and blog tours and launch parties and book club meetings and library appearances. As all my pirate friends say, “Aaaargghh!”
Does all this seem like too much trouble? You bet it does! My final advice—chuck the whole idea! Nobody’s holding a gun to your head and saying you’ve got to publish, right? So make it easy on yourself. Find something else to do that’s more fun and less stressful.
To be serious for a moment, in my own writer’s life I’ve been guilty of following much of the advice in #1-4. Okay, that’s not entirely true—I did eventually join a critique group, and I benefited immensely from the activity. But I didn’t attend creative writing classes or workshops, I long resisted making a lot of revisions or listening to criticism (until I finally understood that my work would benefit), and I waited much too long to get serious about writing.
The only bit of self-advice here that I roundly ignored was item #5: If it seems too difficult, give up. Despite the many challenges, which have often kept me awake at night, I haven’t given up. My debut novel, Stage Seven, was indie published in 2021. My second and third novels, the South Bay Series, were published by Black Rose Writing in 2024. The new books are called My Year of Casual Acquaintances and The Unexpected Guests. Catchy titles, yes? I think you’ll like them.
Readers are asking, do I plan to write another novel and turn these latest works into a three-book series? Maybe, but I dunno. That sounds like it’s way too hard.
